Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction

Posted by Thomas in Challenges, Early Marriage, Featured Articles, Neo Courtship on 12 18th, 2009 | View Comments

Courtship-Barrier-1

How can you know what you are looking for in a future spouse if you do not regularly interact with members of the opposite sex?

In arranged marriage communities there is little to no interaction. The young people take advantage of their “season of singleness” and wait on their parents to make the match for them. The parents do the work of investigation and romance happens after the wedding.

But

We live in America and we choose our spouses here. For better or for worse, arranged marriage is anathema to our way of life. If a man wants to get married he needs to find a wife. So how does he do that? If he wanted to marry a godly home schooled girl how would he find her?

Ready or Not?

Many young people don’t know if they are ready to get married. The idea of marriage intimidates young people. The Christian divorce rate scares believers who don’t want to become apart of the statistic. So the response is to push courtship off until next year… and then the year after that. Even if we feel ready to marry how do we find others who are ready as well?

My grandparents got married in their teens, My parents in their twenties and my peers in their thirties and late twenties. Right now young people are always “not quite ready to get married.” Timing is a personal and parental decision but let me say this: If we want another godly generation we need the current generation to get married in time to give birth to it.

College Interaction

In college you meet dozens of single people every week. Interaction is easy and many young people who go to college come back married. Some girls jokingly go to school for their “MRS degree.” Lots of causal interaction allows college students to interact and learn without getting involved emotionally or physically.

But going to college is scary and expensive. Particularly for large homeschool families. The culture in most colleges does not value purity which also poses a challenge. What do you do for those who are unable or unwilling to go to college?

Homeschool Interaction

Homeschool students have many social events in high school but romance is generally discouraged at these events. Often it is forbidden in highschool altogether. Once homeschool graduates get social permission to interact they loose their primary channels for interaction. This challenge is amplified for those who attend small churches.

The lack of interaction has caused many home school guys to marry public school girls they meet at college. The home school girls stay home deep into their 20s not meeting many single men. They wonder where all the godly men are.

One mom wrote a list of all the single home schooled girls in their community between the ages of 21 and 30. “The results were depressing” she admitted “We couldn’t get ourselves to make the list go down to [age] 18.”

Casual Interaction in Courtship

With the distance between so many home schoolers, interacting in a casual manner is difficult. It is hard to drive an hour for a “casual” meeting with a group of home schooled singles. Even harder for a “casual” cup of coffee. The result is:

Interactions become more intentional (formal dinners, blind dates)
and thereby more intimidating.
The more intimidating they get they more they are postponed and avoided.

Less Interaction = Fewer & Later Marriages.

What do you think?

Do you agree?
Is there a barrier to interaction in courtship?
What has caused it?
How can we help conservative singles interact casually?
How does your community handle this challenge.

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Vanessa_A

I'm not a home school graduate so I don't know if my insight will help much, but in every Christian’s life there is a balance that can only be worked out by each Christian individually. For instance I choose to go to the Christian church I go to even though for a long while there was no single man there my age. When my fiancé first asked me to go out we went to an informal restaurant to ease the nerves. What helped was that we already had gone to the same Christian church for a while, were both involved in the same ministry at church so I was already comfortable around him when I agreed to have dinner with him. The interaction through the ministry is what bought us together and both of us having a prayer life helped immensely. If I wasn't involved in church ministry I doubt I would be engaged or know how to interact with someone my age because I would only be interacting with my family.
Elizabeth

From a girl's point of view: we have a tendency to want to manipulate situations. We meddle where we should just be patient and wait. So it isn't always the best advice to go out and try something new. Sometimes we are right where God wants us, but it isn't the right time. Therefore, I agree with previous comments that guys should initiate the chase. In turn, girls should be willing to step out and be social.

God brings people together in surprising ways. We should "seek first His kingdom" rather than basing every decision on how it relates to getting married. We could focus all our energy on finding the right church with eligible men or women and then meet someone special while walking the dog. You never know.
Father of 5

Young single men must initiate the relationship. Be courageous men of God! Fear Him. If the young lady dumps you like the contents of a garbage truck, then cling to God. The most effective learning experiences in my life were when I got dumped. I received much instruction from my parents, family and friends about how to appropriately treat a lady, but would have never truly learned how to properly treat ladies, without being dumped many times by them. Or, more appropriately, treat my one special lady of 30 years of marriage. God can work in us so well at times like these.
So, either way, you are a winner. Rejection is a good teacher, acceptance makes a good wife. Both good. So, gentlemen, be careful how you hear. God just might lead you to drop the knee and propose to your girlfriend. It is a good time of year for that sort of thing.
Daniel B

"The lack of interaction has caused many home school guys to marry public school girls they meet at college. The home school girls stay home deep into their 20s not meeting many single men. They wonder where all the godly men are."

I'm failing to see why this is a problem, unless one believes that home school guys OUGHT to ONLY marry home school girls and vise versa. If the home school guys can marry public school girls, why can homeschool girls not marry public school guys?

That said, there is a reason that home school guys are not going after home school girls, and it has to do with what most homeschooled kids (and most Christian kids) are taught about relationships and about their own identity and sexuality. They are taught that it's taboo to ask about or learn about, that it's inherently dirty, girls are taught to be suspicious of all guys because they are perverted and lustful, guys are taught that there is something wrong with them for having a sex drive and strong hormones, girls are taught to be helpless with regards to relationships and play hard-to-get games as if the Godly way for a women to be pursued was to send every man on earth a strong "don't pursue me" signal, etc .... most guys with enough initiative and confidence to be willing to put themselves out on a limb are going to go find a better limb than this to put themselves out on!
Throcket

The problem is the social imbalance. If conservative homeschool guys are allowed to put themselves in situations where they can choose between girls raised in similar fashions, and girls who are raised other ways, it necessarily follows that some of them will choose girls raised in other ways.

If girls are not allowed the same opportunities to meet people, their dating pool has to get smaller because many homeschool guys are no longer available.
Daniel B

Are a lot fewer homeschool girls than guys going to college? A lot fewer of them are finding Godly men in college than the number of men finding Godly women in college? I don't think either of those is the issue.
Alexander

I think you hit the nail on the head. As a male who went to public school and then a Christian college, I'm pretty frustrated in the 'interaction' department. I had lots of female friends in college. I met new (Christian) girls on a regular basis. Now I've graduated and I go to a fairly small church. My network of friends is pretty static. It's hard to meet new people.

I'm proof that this problem is not specific to homeschool folks, conservatives, or evangelicals, and I'd wager it's not specific to Christians either. In fact, I think church and church activities actually give us an (albeit slight) advantage over non-Christians. Where church and college fail us, I think we have to do what everyone else does: go to parties/Bible studies/hang out times/etc., meet friends' friends, and hope for the best.

I also agree that less interaction means less casual-ness. When dates are few and far between, there's less 'practice,' more anxiety, and more pressure to perform. It's human nature to set high expectations on a rare opportunity, but we do ourselves (and the other) a great disservice in doing so.

Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction

Ready or Not?

College Interaction

Homeschool Interaction

Casual Interaction in Courtship

What do you think?

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