Comments on: Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction

By: Kristine

Kristine — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 04:20:00 +0000

As a home schooled girl, I never experienced any of these problems. My brother and I were home schooled until high school – then we went off to Christian school. We eventually graduated from Public School because the private schools were rigorous enough. As a home schooled kid, I had friends from the co-ops, and from church (which had 8,000 members). My parents are conservative and relatively traditional, and when I would tell people I was home schooled most were shocked because we didn’t meet the general stereotype. My parents expected us to be involved in sports, with church, and have friends from all walks of life. They sheltered us from some things, but not everything because they knew we’d encounter things as we grew. Both my brother and I went to college. I just received my masters, and am going to be a teacher. I’ve noticed the sad trend many home schooled students families seem to have … that they all live in the same town for the rest of their life, only associate with certain kinds of people, and where the girls either get married early or don’t go to college – and it’s sad. Home school students are some of the brightest kids out there – and it’s a waste and a shame not to do something with it. My mom always believed that you should reach for your dreams, I’m not liberal in any sense, but seeing home schooled girls never experiencing life is sad and disheartening.

By: Erin Coates

Erin Coates — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 13:10:51 +0000

Thomas, Thanks for posting this, I appreciate hearing your insight. I am a homeschool graduate and here is my two cents worth.
Do you agree(with this article)? I agree with much of what you are saying but you also say that arranged marriage is cultural and that's why it is not practiced today in North America. I would like to suggest that arranged marriage is God's idea, not man's and therefore transcends cultures. My family and I believe in arranged marriage and although my parent's will respect my preferences, the final choice who I marry will be up to them. Think about it, for some in Christian families where the parents are homeschooling them and spending large amounts of time and money into raising the children, they aren't going to pass them off on the first geek with flowers and a wedding ring. If they love their children, they will want the best for them. Sometimes the best is not something that the young adults are capable of discerning on their won. Don't get me wrong, I am a strong-willed individual who is very capable of making her own decisions but capability is not the real issue, God's design and plan is. I think we will see a revisit to arranged marriage amongst homeschoolers in the future. After all, Jewish, East Indian and some Chinese communities still successfully practice this today.

Is there a barrier to interaction in courtship? Well, if you mean is there a barrier to meeting and getting to know other godly young people, yes. I don't think that is because we lack social events to meet but because most young people shy away from talking about spiritual issues for fear of "scaring away" potential mates. If we don't speak up for what we believe in, can we be upset if there appears to be a lack of godly young people. You expect some guy to know you're godly if you never talk about Jesus or spiritual things? Honestly, I think one of the best events that we can have to bring godly young people together for friendship, encouragement and perhaps leading to courtship is Bible conferences that allow for small group discussion. If godliness is the number one priority, then create an avenue for talking about it!

What has caused it? I think some homeschoolers stay within their circle of fellow homeschoolers and never really meet other homeschool families from other states or provinces. After you finish high school homeschool, then your interaction with other homeschoolers is even more limited. Why can't we have an online site for homeschoolers to list their profiles of what their beliefs are, their long term goals, etc. Then the parents could screen the site along with their children for potential mates and start an email relationship. I know that long-distance relationships are not everyone's ideal but they do work.

How can we help conservative singles interact casually? Is the problem that they are not interacting or that they are not interacting about the right things. I still believe that the arranged marriage system is best, courtship is next and dating is out of the question. Why can't we have family nights where whole families that are looking for potential mates for their children can come and interact. That would take a lot of the pressure off the children and place them in a semi-familiar environment. Call it transitioning.

How does your community handle this challenge. To be frank, most of my friends date. There is no-one in my church that I am remotely interested in as they are looking for dating only. The number of Christians that want to do it God's way is VERY slim. We have lots of opportunities for dating but no-one wants to ask my dad's permission to see me. For some reason, there is a very high lack of accountability among young people today.

By: Vanessa_A

Vanessa_A — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 20:41:18 +0000

I'm not a home school graduate so I don't know if my insight will help much, but in every Christian’s life there is a balance that can only be worked out by each Christian individually. For instance I choose to go to the Christian church I go to even though for a long while there was no single man there my age. When my fiancé first asked me to go out we went to an informal restaurant to ease the nerves. What helped was that we already had gone to the same Christian church for a while, were both involved in the same ministry at church so I was already comfortable around him when I agreed to have dinner with him. The interaction through the ministry is what bought us together and both of us having a prayer life helped immensely. If I wasn't involved in church ministry I doubt I would be engaged or know how to interact with someone my age because I would only be interacting with my family.

By: Daniel B

Daniel B — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:42:56 +0000

Are a lot fewer homeschool girls than guys going to college? A lot fewer of them are finding Godly men in college than the number of men finding Godly women in college? I don't think either of those is the issue.

By: Throcket

Throcket — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 14:08:44 +0000

The problem is the social imbalance. If conservative homeschool guys are allowed to put themselves in situations where they can choose between girls raised in similar fashions, and girls who are raised other ways, it necessarily follows that some of them will choose girls raised in other ways.

If girls are not allowed the same opportunities to meet people, their dating pool has to get smaller because many homeschool guys are no longer available.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 15:20:44 +0000

From a girl's point of view: we have a tendency to want to manipulate situations. We meddle where we should just be patient and wait. So it isn't always the best advice to go out and try something new. Sometimes we are right where God wants us, but it isn't the right time. Therefore, I agree with previous comments that guys should initiate the chase. In turn, girls should be willing to step out and be social.

God brings people together in surprising ways. We should “seek first His kingdom” rather than basing every decision on how it relates to getting married. We could focus all our energy on finding the right church with eligible men or women and then meet someone special while walking the dog. You never know.

By: Father of 5

Father of 5 — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 00:18:08 +0000

Young single men must initiate the relationship. Be courageous men of God! Fear Him. If the young lady dumps you like the contents of a garbage truck, then cling to God. The most effective learning experiences in my life were when I got dumped. I received much instruction from my parents, family and friends about how to appropriately treat a lady, but would have never truly learned how to properly treat ladies, without being dumped many times by them. Or, more appropriately, treat my one special lady of 30 years of marriage. God can work in us so well at times like these.
So, either way, you are a winner. Rejection is a good teacher, acceptance makes a good wife. Both good. So, gentlemen, be careful how you hear. God just might lead you to drop the knee and propose to your girlfriend. It is a good time of year for that sort of thing.

By: Daniel B

Daniel B — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:51:46 +0000

“The lack of interaction has caused many home school guys to marry public school girls they meet at college. The home school girls stay home deep into their 20s not meeting many single men. They wonder where all the godly men are.”

I'm failing to see why this is a problem, unless one believes that home school guys OUGHT to ONLY marry home school girls and vise versa. If the home school guys can marry public school girls, why can homeschool girls not marry public school guys?

That said, there is a reason that home school guys are not going after home school girls, and it has to do with what most homeschooled kids (and most Christian kids) are taught about relationships and about their own identity and sexuality. They are taught that it's taboo to ask about or learn about, that it's inherently dirty, girls are taught to be suspicious of all guys because they are perverted and lustful, guys are taught that there is something wrong with them for having a sex drive and strong hormones, girls are taught to be helpless with regards to relationships and play hard-to-get games as if the Godly way for a women to be pursued was to send every man on earth a strong “don't pursue me” signal, etc …. most guys with enough initiative and confidence to be willing to put themselves out on a limb are going to go find a better limb than this to put themselves out on!

By: Alexander

Alexander — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:45:13 +0000

I think you hit the nail on the head. As a male who went to public school and then a Christian college, I'm pretty frustrated in the 'interaction' department. I had lots of female friends in college. I met new (Christian) girls on a regular basis. Now I've graduated and I go to a fairly small church. My network of friends is pretty static. It's hard to meet new people.

I'm proof that this problem is not specific to homeschool folks, conservatives, or evangelicals, and I'd wager it's not specific to Christians either. In fact, I think church and church activities actually give us an (albeit slight) advantage over non-Christians. Where church and college fail us, I think we have to do what everyone else does: go to parties/Bible studies/hang out times/etc., meet friends' friends, and hope for the best.

I also agree that less interaction means less casual-ness. When dates are few and far between, there's less 'practice,' more anxiety, and more pressure to perform. It's human nature to set high expectations on a rare opportunity, but we do ourselves (and the other) a great disservice in doing so.