“Does God predestine my future wife or do I need to find her? I don’t struggle with predestination when it comes to salvation because I know to share the Gospel either way. But courtship is different.”

I have to disagree. I personally don’t think courtship is any different than salvation in the light of predestination.

Using your thought process, I don’t struggle with predestination when it comes to finding my future husband because I know to keep my eyes open, my prayers going, and my friendships growing either way.

Spurgeon once stated on the topic of predestination and salvation, “If God would have painted a yellow stripe on the backs of the elect I would go around lifting shirts. But since He didn’t I must preach `whosoever will’ and when `whosoever’ believes I know he is one of the elect.”

A purely “finding” perspective would be lifting up shirts to find yellow stripes or lack of yellow stripes (luckily God didn’t mark our future spouse this way, as the method to finding the stripe would be highly inappropriate). : )

A purely “waiting” perspective would be to become a hermit and live in the woods so you won’t be tempted by anything until God brings you your wife.

So I think there is a wonderful harmony between finding and waiting as is the usual with our Sovereign God. And just like salvation, I believe that I will know that I know that I know that my future spouse is the one that God has chosen specifically for me through supernatural peace and confirmation.

I think the verse that sums up every issue in life where we are commanded to actively wait on the Lord is, Prov. 16:9 “A man’s heart plans His way, but the LORD directs His steps.”

God really meant what He said, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matt. 6:33). I agree with Kurt in that we certainly are not called to inactivity. But the activity to which we are called and that which should consume our focus and effort is our pursuit of God. Not a husband or wife. I know that God IS faithful; and if it is my/your desire to marry I think that is something He both knows and cares about deeply. After all He is the one who created our need/desire for it. That being said, it is our reasonable service to obey God in the whole hearted search for His kingdom whether we are satisfied (relationship wise) or not.

While I agree that “Esther and Ruth both took an active role in winning the heart of their man.”, I think you gloss over an important point- the courage of conviction that both Esther and Ruth possessed in regards to their romantic pursuits preexisted their actions.

Although Esther and Ruth’s situations are distinctly different, neither seemed uncertain as to whether or not these we the men for them. It is this uncertainty which is a result of the lack of male pursuit which seems to exist in the early stages of most relationships today. Which leads to what I think is the more interesting question- what must exist prior to the man pursuing the woman?

I like the idea of a man pursuing a woman, and I have never liked the idea of women chasing men, but there is some give and take on both sides.

Some wise people in my life have quoted this Indian proverb, “If you don’t go to the train track, you won’t see any trains.”

While we are in the process of seeking God for our lives and serving Him, we need to be around other single people who love God too… in fellowship together. If Ruth did not glean in the field, she would most likely not have met Boaz. If Esther did not go to the palace, she would not have met the King.

This may be a type of happy medium.

I know many people would say “Great job in stating the obvious.” Regardless, I would like to say it for the “forest dwellers”.

I also look at this from the woman’s perspective. Woman need to be available. Generally, it is easier to be available when we are close by.

I can see this website as provoking some healthy and fruitful discussion. Thanks, Thomas, for pouring energy and content into this.

I think the principle of male leadership in marriage is thoroughly Biblical. And so if a husband is to lead in marriage, then it seems reasonable for him to be demonstrating his leadership capabilities during the courtship process as well. That would help the woman to see whether the interested fellow has leadership qualities and so be open to his advances.

I see the man’s courtship leadership as being (not a comprehensive list): only pursuing a godly woman who is mature and ready for marriage–selecting a woman who would be equally yoked with him; initiating communication with the woman; recognizing, respecting, and guarding emotional/spiritual/physical boundaries; initiating DTRs when needed; arranging for accountability and oversight during the courtship; continually praying for God’s guidance and blessing, for himself and the woman; being grounded mentally and spiritually in what the Bible says about the marriage relationship; being continually sensitive and responsive to the woman’s issues and needs; and bearing continually in mind what the real goal of the courtship is.

It’s a lot of work! Woman have responsibilities too, of course. Some of them: holding to a “minimum standard” of godliness and maturity for the male suitor–waiting for a man who would be equally yoked with her; expecting the man to live up to the full measure of leadership and care required of a suitor (and perhaps eventually a husband); being actively and evidently receptive to his appropriate advances if she is interested; letting him know she is not interested if she isn’t; initiating DTRs when needed; arranging for accountability and oversight during the courtship; continually praying for God’s guidance and blessing, for herself and the man; being grounded mentally and spiritually in what the Bible says about the marriage relationship; bearing continually in mind the real goal of courtship.

The process of finding a wife is a careful, serious, God-blessed activity! Wether you call it courtship or not, and whatever model or format you follow, the process of a man and women becoming husband and wife is a happy, edifying, memorable, Biblical undertaking, and I think it makes the heart of God glad when men and women participate in it in an enthusiastic, Biblical, holy way.

My $0.02!

Tim Stewart,
Austin, TX

To paraphrase Matt Chandler, the person that I will marry will be “just a boy” (not in the “he's not a man” sense, but in the “he's just a male” sense). I could marry any number of Godly men and be really happy. There's a stigma in our society that says that there's only “one” person out there for each other person. That we could marry the “wrong person”. This is why so many get divorced. Here's what I'm trying to say: Is there “one” person out there for me? No. But there IS only ONE person that I will marry, and God has predestined it that I marry this person (because, in His eyes, He sees past, present and future… it's already happened! No “open theology” here).

So, application: For me, I have found that it is MY job as a woman to simply seek the Lord and fall in love with Him first and foremost. I am to wait – but this waiting is not passive. It is ACTIVE, trusting that the Lord will provide in His timing. For men, they are to do the same, trusting that at the right time the Lord will provide as well – only, they are to be the pursuers.

This may be one of those things that goes “without saying”… but I think that it is worth saying anyway. Good discussion!

I appreciate the good material found on this website. But I did want to bring up something that I can see has been brought up below (by Kurt).

Even if people are predestined to faith, there is still the need for the gospel to be preached; see Romans 10:13-17 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Rom…). Why? Because if it has been predestined that they will believe, then it has been predestined that someone will preach the word to them.

The same goes for marriage. Yes, God has determined our spouse – but we still have to find her and pursue her.