Leaving is Hard to Do

Why do people cry at weddings? We don’t often cry at other life changing celebrations so what makes weddings different? Now having tried courtship, I think I know why.

Weddings signal the beginning of a new person, a new flesh, or as C.S. Lewis puts it a new entity. Two of individuals bonded together for life. But, In order to bond they must leave everyone else. Leaving is hard to do.

For example, when a man joins with his wife, his relationship with his mother changes. He no longer looks to her for the type of guidance and support he once did. There is a greater emotional distance. If the man does not sufficiently distance himself emotionally from his mother, he brings unwanted baggage and even another person into the relationship. Not a recipe for a happy marriage.

Back in the days of arranged marriages the leaving and cleaving happened almost simultaneously. Now the process of leaving starts at the beginning of the courtship. In some ways I think this is harder on families particularly close ones because the painful process of leaving is drawn out, like slowly taring away a scab.

Something Must Give

The more time John spends with Kathy the less time he have for everyone else. Also the more emotional energy/investment he gives  Kathy the less he has for everyone else. At the beginning of the relationship finding emotional time and energy was easy. He just spent less time with the girls that he knew and put that time and energy towards Kathy. Not hard.

In a courtship focusing on one girl demands not focusing on the others.

But, cutting away female relationships does not create enough time for a deepening courtship. If John wants to get to  know Kathy better he must find more time and energy. Having cut everywhere he reasonably can he has to then turn and cut time away from family. If John were a homeschooler this may be like breaking an unwritten 11th commandment. But where else will he find the time?

One thing must fade away for something new to emerge. Neo courtship demands that John and Kathy spend time with his family, her family, both families and alone.

Something has to give. Should it be friendships? Alone time? Family time?

Should leaving be gradual? We all know “that couple” that dropped all their friends as soon as they started dating. Later they find more bridges burned than they care to admit. I think leaving should be a gradual give and take process as friends and family let go emotionally.

Friends First

First comes the change in John and Kathy’s relationships with their friends, then comes a change in their relationships with our siblings. Fading friendships with siblings can be tough for homeschoolers. While John gets to spend his extra time with Kathy his brother may have no easy outlet for his extra time.

Family Second

Finally John and Kathy’s relationship with their parents must change. This can be hard if their parents are unwilling to let go. John and Kathy might have to erect boundaries with their parents.  This is does not need to be hard. Most parents are glad to see their children learn to love.

While leaving is painful, it is a happy pain.  A seed must die to its current relationship with the tree before it can become a tree of its own. I think this is why people cry at weddings.  Leaving is hard to do but it must be done.

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• How to Be a Godly Wingman (13)
• 5 Reasons Single Women Should Leave The Nest (22)
• The Little Things Make the Difference (7)
• Courtship Challenge #1: Identification (12)

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