If you can keep these areas in balance you may save yourself from a painful crash at the end of the runway.

Time

The time gauge measures how much time you spend together. Generally it means time together alone.

You know that couple that started going together a few months ago? You know, the one that seemed to disappear? You sorta see them around but they are always together ignoring everyone else. This couple may have their time out of proportion. Spending time with your boyfriend is important and leaving other relationships is part of courtship. But this leaving should be a gradual transition. Or I could be wrong. What do you think?

You don’t want your time together to outstrip your commitment. When you first start moving down the runway resist the temptation to push this gauge to 11. If you do this you may alienate the friends you have. Those are the very friends you will need down the road.

Touch

This can be a touchy subject . Some courtship models decry touching the opposite sex as a sin.

This is one of the topics you will want to talk through at the beginning of your relationship. Where are the tick marks going to be on your gauge? At what point do you plan to start holding hands?

The amount of touch should be closely tied to your level of commitment. Some couples decide not to kiss until they are engaged. Other couples don’t kiss until their wedding day. I have yet to meet a couple who made such a commitment and later regretted it. Many couples regret going to far to soon. Self restraint in this area can build a great deal of trust later on.

Talk

Talk is a measure of how much time you spend Facebooking, texting, chatting on the phone or whatever.

The more you talk the more involved you will become emotionally. The more connected you are emotionally the more painful the breakup will be if it happens. This gauge hurts a lot if you let it get to red before the other gauges.

Make sure your level of talk is anchored to your amount of commitment.

One of the challenges to long distance relationships is that you spend a lot of time talking without spending time together. This takes away your opportunity to see how your girlfriend interacts in real life. If your primary interaction is over the phone it is possible to get a skewed view of the other person. This is something you have to consciously guard against if you are in a long distance relationship.

What do you think? How do you make long distance relationships work?

Commitment

Commitment is the standard by which the other three gauges should be measured. It helps to periodically check the other areas of your relationship against this gauge. Also realize that your boyfriend might not be as committed to the relationship as you are.

Broken hearts happen when one person is more committed than the other.

It can be hard to tell how committed the other person is to a relationship. One piece of advice is to look at actions more than you listen to words. How committed is your girlfriend to the other relationships in her life? What do you think? How can you tell if your girlfriend is committed to the relationship?

Here are some other indicators to pay attention to:

• Time is a measurement of priorities.
• Talk is a indicator of emotional connection.
• Touch is a indicator of attraction.

Thanks to Jimmie Seibert, the Pastor of Antioch Community Church. A lot of this came from him first.

What do you think?

• Is there a gauge that’s missing?
• Do you find this helpful? Why or why not?

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Does God predestine my future wife or do I need to find her? I don’t struggle with predestination when it comes to salvation because I know to share the Gospel either way. But courtship is different. I need to know if I should be looking or waiting.

Finding a Spouse

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and gains favor from the Lord.”

-King Solomon

I have puzzled over this verse for years. Particularly on the word “find.” Is it a passive “find” like finding a coin on the sidewalk? Or is it an active “find” like finding a coin after searching my house?

I sat down with a Hebrew scholar and we looked up every use of Hebrew word “find” in the Old Testament. The result? The word is used in both ways about half the time each. After we looked up the last verse he closed his Hebrew Lexicon looked at me and said. “The results are inconclusive.”

Drat.

Courtship Calvinists

Some conservatives wait on God to predestine a mate for them. While the Bible talks about God predestining us for good works it makes no mention of God predestining our spouse. We know God is sovereign all knowing and that He cares about every detail of our lives, but is He a micro manager?

If God intended to do all actions himself why would he create us? Are we not His hands and feet? Are his people the tools of his hands or are we just passive observers of His sovereign power? If we are just to watch God do our work for us, it would make sense to stay home and wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right to knock on our door.

The Question

So, how active a part should we play in courtship?

• Traditional western culture says men should do the work of identification and women should wait passively.
• Eastern culture says that both should be passive and wait for their parents to decide.
• Modern western culture tells both the man and woman to be active in pursuing each other.

In the Bible, Esther and Ruth both took an active role in winning the heart of “their man.” Isaac had a traditional arranged marriage. King David and King Jesus both took the active role in winning their wives. By Jesus’ wife I mean the church, His bride.

The results are, again, inconclusive. You could give Jesus’ example extra weight but it is also the most abstract since His bride is the Church.

Action is no Substitute for Faith
Faith is no Excuse for Idleness

The Bible makes it clear that we are to trust God in all things and to obey his voice. We are to walk in faith always but we must also act. Our actions prove our faith. If we do not act we demonstrate that we have no faith.

What do you think?

So how much interaction is healthy? How much is unhealthy? Waiting around doesn’t seem to be working, but should effectiveness be the criteria? Please let me know what you think. Don’t worry if you disagree. You can comment anonymously

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• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• Courtship Challenge #1: Identification (13)

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