How can you know what you are looking for in a future spouse if you do not regularly interact with members of the opposite sex?

In arranged marriage communities there is little to no interaction. The young people take advantage of their “season of singleness” and wait on their parents to make the match for them. The parents do the work of investigation and romance happens after the wedding.

But

We live in America and we choose our spouses here. For better or for worse, arranged marriage is anathema to our way of life. If a man wants to get married he needs to find a wife. So how does he do that? If he wanted to marry a godly home schooled girl how would he find her?

Ready or Not?

Many young people don’t know if they are ready to get married. The idea of marriage intimidates young people. The Christian divorce rate scares believers who don’t want to become apart of the statistic. So the response is to push courtship off until next year… and then the year after that. Even if we feel ready to marry how do we find others who are ready as well?

My grandparents got married in their teens, My parents in their twenties and my peers in their thirties and late twenties. Right now young people are always “not quite ready to get married.” Timing is a personal and parental decision but let me say this: If we want another godly generation we need the current generation to get married in time to give birth to it.

College Interaction

In college you meet dozens of single people every week. Interaction is easy and many young people who go to college come back married. Some girls jokingly go to school for their “MRS degree.” Lots of causal interaction allows college students to interact and learn without getting involved emotionally or physically.

But going to college is scary and expensive. Particularly for large homeschool families. The culture in most colleges does not value purity which also poses a challenge. What do you do for those who are unable or unwilling to go to college?

Homeschool Interaction

Homeschool students have many social events in high school but romance is generally discouraged at these events. Often it is forbidden in highschool altogether.  Once homeschool graduates get social permission to interact they loose their primary channels for interaction. This challenge is amplified for those who attend small churches.

The lack of interaction has caused many home school guys to marry public school girls they meet at college. The home school girls stay home deep into their 20s not meeting many single men. They wonder where all the godly men are.

One mom wrote a list of all the single home schooled girls in their community between the ages of 21 and 30. “The results were depressing” she admitted “We couldn’t get ourselves to make the list go down to [age] 18.”

Casual Interaction in Courtship

With the distance between so many home schoolers, interacting in a casual manner is difficult. It is hard to drive an hour for a “casual” meeting with a group of home schooled singles. Even harder for a “casual” cup of coffee. The result is:

• Interactions become more intentional (formal dinners, blind dates)
• and thereby more intimidating.
• The more intimidating they get they more they are postponed and avoided.

Less Interaction = Fewer & Later Marriages.

What do you think?

• Do you agree?
• Is there a barrier to interaction in courtship?
• What has caused it?
• How can we help conservative singles interact casually?
• How does your community handle this challenge.

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #1: Identification (13)
• Courtship & Predestination (28)
• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• Courtship Definitions (6)
• 7 Reasons Men Wait to Get Married (7)

Related posts:

1. Courtship Challenge #1: Identification How do you find your future spouse if you rarely...
2. Courtship Definitions Before we continue on this discussion I feel that...
3. Courtship & Predestination Does God predestine my future wife or do I...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

The term comes from the air-force where a pilot will have a wingman fight with him in battle. Wingmen protect each as they accomplish a mission together.  The older term for this concept is “best man.” But now “best man” is primarily a ceremonial role. The ancient term for this same concept is “friend of the bridegroom.”

The role of wingman starts way before the wedding. In fact it can start before the relationship starts. The Wingman assists from the beginning of the relationship through the wedding ceremony.

Lets call the wingman “Walter.”

His single friend is Sam.

Wingmen keep confidences.

Sam needs a sounding board. He may need to work out how he feels about girls by talking through it with a trusted buddy. Yes ladies. Guys do talk about this sort of thing but only to those they trust. Walter listens. He gives honest feedback. Above all he does not betray Sam’s confidence.

Wingmen encourage.

Pursuing a woman is not easy. The path to marriage for men is paved with rejection and pain. A good wing-man encourages his bother to try again even after devastating failures. Sam doesn’t need hollow platitudes. He needs hope, encouragement and prayer.

Wingmen help create opportunities.

As we discuss in other posts, interacting with godly girls in conservative communities is challenging. To overcome these challenges Sam needs Walter’s help to create opportunities to interact with God fearing single ladies. This may mean throwing parties, sending out text messages to invite people to play ultimate Frisbee or going out to eat after church.

Wingmen show up intentionally.

So, Walter throws a party and Sam shows up and sees Sally, who he doesn’t know very well. She’s popular and Sam wants to break through the crowd and talk to Sally but he needs help.

Enter wingman.

Walter, can help by running interference for Sam by engaging the people around Sally in conversation. This helps Sam and Sally talk when they may not have had the opportunity otherwise. If Sam is shy this sort of assistance is particularly helpful.

Shy guys can make faithful husbands.
They just need help at first.

Wingmen ask intentional questions.

So, Sam, Sally and Walter are in a group of people talking at the party.

Remember, Sam wants doesn’t know Sally well and doesn’t want to lead her on unnecessarily.  Sam doesn’t know if he likes her or not but he wants to get to know her better.

Walter can help by asking intentional questions that help Sam get to know Sally better. This is not to say Sam asks no questions. But Walter can ask the potentially awkward questions. When this is done well, Sally is none the wiser.

Wingmen leave intentionally.

Walter, Sam and Sally are now talking just the three of them at the party. This is when it may be a good idea for Walter to disappear. He may excuse himself to get punch and then get caught up in a different conversation and not get back. This gives Sam and Sally a chance to talk alone at the party which they may not have gotten otherwise.

Walter holds  Sam accountable.

As Sam and Sally’s relationship deepens Walter keeps Sam accountable to make sure that Sam is honoring Jesus in their relationship. Is Sam walking in the fear of the Lord? Walter asks Sam tough questions and insists on honest answers.

Wingmen don’t outshine.

It is important for Walter not to outshine Sam. His job is to make Sam look good. If Walter is stealing attention he failing as wingman. John the Baptist is a great example of how to do this well. His job was to prepare the way for the bridegroom Jesus. This meant getting out of the way at the end.

Wingmen hold the rings.

It is the wingman, or best man, who stands next to the groom at the wedding. Where would the groom be without him? Maybe still single. Maybe not. Either way Sam knows he has a true friend in Walter.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

-Jesus

What do you think?

• Should courtship best be done with just the man and the woman’s family? Or is the best man’s role important?
• Do women have a similar system? Or do Maids of Honor just help with hair and logistics?
• Have you ever been a wingman? How did it go?

Related Posts:

• The Little Things Make the Difference (9)
• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• 5 Reasons Single Women Should Leave The Nest (30)
• The Importance of Being Balanced (7)
• Courtship & Predestination (28)

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

1. Woman have gifts cultivated best through life outside of the nest.

Many home schooled families expect girls grow into home makers able to tend to the needs of their husbands and children.  I too believe that is a Biblical command and not be be overlooked in the least (Titus 2:4-5).

How many years does it take to learn how to take care of a home?

When I was young, my Mom trained me to clean the house. I folded laundry, washed dishes, cooked, babysat and more.  I am thankful for that training. I am also glad that training period came to an end and that now I have graduated to life on my own.

2. Life outside the home makes you a better home maker.

A husband needs more than a wife to clean, cook, and have babies.  He needs a soul-mate who can problem solve, give input, and express her own thoughts even if they differ with his. I think this is to the husband’s detriment.

Where will the man go when he needs advice if his wife is unable to think for herself? If she has never struggled with a decision or learned from her own mistakes how can she offer wisdom to her husband. Her lack of diverse social interaction can handicap her critical thinking and problem solving skills.

Men need helpmeets for their minds and souls,
Not just for their bodies and homes.

I have noticed a difference in women who leave home before marriage and those who don’t.

The girls who stay home rarely augment their husband’s opinion. They follow his wishes unquestioningly because the only life they know is their parent’s unquestioned authority. Their parents keep them from opportunities to think or make decisions on their own. This can make them indecisive. Indecision is not the mark of maturity.

3. Leaving without flying away

Let me offer a little comfort.  I think it is possible to “leave the nest”  without physically leaving the home.  While the success rate is rare, it is achievable.

I know 20 something girls who still live at home.  However, their parents do not dictate their life once they become adults. Their parents don’t treat them like children just because they haven’t found Mr. Right.  They have careers, friends, social networks, and lives that extend beyond babysitting  younger siblings.  Their parents let them travel on their own, go to college and live life without having to ask permission like a child.

Their parents understand the separation that needs to happen for their daughters to grow up.  These parents take the role of  counselors instead of supervisors. They advise their daughters as they would another adult.

4. Arrows are meant to be shot out.

Children are not the property of their parent’s. Rather they belong to God and their parents are stewards. I can’t begin to stress the importance of this principle.

Parents must ask God what His will is for their children. Is it God’s will for His arrows to stay in the quiver?  I think not.  God has gifted girls with much more than just cooking and cleaning. Parents don’t squander the gifts God has given your daughters.  If don’t give them the freedom to follow Christ on their own then you put them in the difficult position of choosing between your will and God’s will.

This doesn’t mean daughter is not still under her Father’s authority.  But the father must allow his daughter to become an adult if he is to see her thrive. In most cases, I don’t think the desire to leave is motivated by rebellion.  Although it could lead to that if the parents don’t let her feel or know that she is an adult that can make decisions independent of them.

Fear

Fear often motivates parents to keep their daughters at home.

To these timid parents I would ask,

• If you raised your daughter in the way should go, how can she depart from it when she leaves home?
• Do you trust God to take care of your daughter even if she makes different decisions than you would have made?
• Do you trust that God can turn her choices into learning opportunities?
• Is that not how He teaches you?
• How will your daughter learn to follow God if you make all her decisions for her?

5. Immaturity is Unattractive

Men are adventurous and passionate.  They look for a wife to dream big with. They are not looking for a little girl who needs her husband to think for her.

Women need a larger vision so they can support their husband’s calling in life. Not just to let him fulfill his calling alone and come home to a good meal, clean house, and warm bed.

When the honeymoon wears off and the physical home is cared for, what is going to hold the couple together and keep the spark and fun in the marriage?

Ladies,

if you want to attract a man and not a boy
you must to be a woman and not a girl.

What do you think?

• Should we encourage adult single women to move out of their homes?
• Should they stay home under the covering of their parents?
• You single men. Are you looking for a wife who is living at home or a wife who lives on her own?

Related Posts:

• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• The Little Things Make the Difference (9)
• Threefold Beauty (10)
• Leaving is Hard to Do (4)

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Not all women are Helen of Troy or Miss California, but all women are created in the image of a beautiful God.  Should the attraction between the male’s eye and the woman’s physical beauty be suppressed or encouraged?

After all, before men see spiritual, or soul beauty, they see the physical beauty (or lack of) in a woman. Women long for men to appreciate their true beauty, which encompasses all of their being: spirit, soul, and body.

Spiritual Beauty

Spiritual beauty is the inner beauty that comes from the strength and confidence of who one is in Christ.  Renew the mind to walk in the truth of true spiritual beauty as being whole and complete first and only in Christ. This beauty comes from knowing you are accepted and loved in the Beloved. Read Ephesians 1 for great truth on identity and position in Christ.  All other components of beauty flow from this.

Beauty of the Soul

The soul is your mind, will, and emotions.  Have you ever stopped to consider the beauty of a person flowing with the emotion of love and joy and poured out and offered to those around them?  There is beauty in a child submitting her will to her parents by choosing to obey.  It is a beautiful thing when a teacher uses her mind to communicate a principal or truth to her students.  This is beauty of the soul and is free to be expressed when one is confident and aware of their spiritual beauty in Christ.

Beauty of the Body

Beauty of the body is one that is too often overlooked and sadly suppressed in many courtship settings.  Minimum physical adornment often becomes synonymous for modesty.  Modesty is an imperative Biblical standard, but it should not preclude physical beauty.  It is often said that inner beauty will shine through and you don’t need to worry so much about your physical beauty.  Yet, both are a reflection of each other.

Proverbs 31 Beauty

The Proverbs 31 woman is a fine role model of all three areas of beauty:

• She was clothed in fine linen, purple, and scarlet – physical beauty.
• She also girded herself with strength and dignity – beauty of the soul.
• She was praised for her fear of the Lord – spiritual beauty!

To deny the importance of physical beauty is to deny an essential part of who a woman is. We cannot overlook it when we evaluate courtship.  Beauty could be one of the most pervasive thoughts in men’s minds.  The male mind beholds visual beauty first. The female  heart deeply desires to feel physically attractive to men. Beauty is important.

What do you think?

Is beauty important? Does your community over value or under value physical beauty?

Related Posts:

• 5 Reasons Single Women Should Leave The Nest (30)
• Courtship Definitions (6)

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Statistics say that the average guy doesn’t get married until 28. The highest age since the census bureau started measuring the statistic. Here are 7 reasons why.

Reason #1 We Prolong Adolescence

I don’t believe in adolescence. I think it is an excuse for adults to sin while claiming they are still children. Our society has turned the teenage years into some weird excuse to have the privileges of adulthood, (freedom, independence, sex) without the responsibilities of adulthood (provision, duty, faithfulness). Marriage represents responsibility: something many teens want to avoid it at all costs. We need to help teens mature by allowing them to suffer the consequences of their actions and not shield them from their irresponsibility.

• Foolishness + Time ≠ Wisdom.
• Immaturity + Time ≠ Maturity.

Adolescents are immature because we expect them to be.

Reason #2 Some Men Are Cowards

Pursuing a girl is scary, risky and dangerous. Pornography is convenient, easy and “safe”. Some men would rather walk the easy path of sin. This hurts a generation of women and delays marriage. Other men are terrified that the woman they marry will become “the beast” in a few years. In an ironic twist in men’s desire to avoid marrying the beast they put off getting married which often leads them to marry an older woman.

Reason #3 Teenagers are Unprepared for the Real World

Our education system is horrible at preparing students to do anything of value to society. Most 18 year olds don’t know anything about keeping to a budget, responsibility or sacrifice. If they did learn these things they learned them at home.

John Quincy Adams was an ambassador to Russia at age 14. Could you imagine that today, even among homeschoolers? I can’t. We have denied our children the opportunity to fail and thus have denied them the opportunity to grow.

Reason #4 Christian Singles Standards are Too High.

Singles need to focus more on being the right person instead of finding the right person. Many singles are trying to compensate for their own weaknesses by finding a strong mate instead of become more mature themselves.

For more on this read Christian Courtship – And the Need for Lower Standards.

Reason #5 Americans Value Money More than Family

The reason many adults advise us to wait is because they expect a certain amount of wealth before marriage. Each economic bracket has its own expectations and thresholds before marriage is permitted. Yet poverty can help cultivate a strong marital relationship. When I talk with couples who have been married for dozens of years they often tell stories of starving together when they were first married. They look back and smile at the times they had nothing but each other. It forced them to work through issues and caused them to appreciate each other more.

Keeping up with the Joneses is more important than starting a family for many Americans.

Reason #6 Premarital Sex Delays the Urgency for Marriage

Many men get everything they want out of a relationship without having to commit to much. This keeps them from getting married or when they do get married it is when they are older and less able to swap partners. This again hurts women particularly older women. The New York Times recently reported that according to census data that 51% of American women are unmarried – up from 35% in 1950. Men are not committing their lives to these women because they don’t have to to get what they want.

Reason #7 The Church has Forsaken its Responsibility to Care for Widows

Many women feel they need to go to 4 or even 6 years of dept inducing college so that they can support themselves and their families if their husband dies, leaves or is disabled. They have no expectation that their church will support them and why should they? How many widows does your church support?

Now these are not the only reasons men delay marriage. There are many legitimate reasons as well. But I think these reasons have been driving the statistic.

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)

Related posts:

1. Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction How can you know what you are looking for...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.