How can you know what you are looking for in a future spouse if you do not regularly interact with members of the opposite sex?

In arranged marriage communities there is little to no interaction. The young people take advantage of their “season of singleness” and wait on their parents to make the match for them. The parents do the work of investigation and romance happens after the wedding.

But

We live in America and we choose our spouses here. For better or for worse, arranged marriage is anathema to our way of life. If a man wants to get married he needs to find a wife. So how does he do that? If he wanted to marry a godly home schooled girl how would he find her?

Ready or Not?

Many young people don’t know if they are ready to get married. The idea of marriage intimidates young people. The Christian divorce rate scares believers who don’t want to become apart of the statistic. So the response is to push courtship off until next year… and then the year after that. Even if we feel ready to marry how do we find others who are ready as well?

My grandparents got married in their teens, My parents in their twenties and my peers in their thirties and late twenties. Right now young people are always “not quite ready to get married.” Timing is a personal and parental decision but let me say this: If we want another godly generation we need the current generation to get married in time to give birth to it.

College Interaction

In college you meet dozens of single people every week. Interaction is easy and many young people who go to college come back married. Some girls jokingly go to school for their “MRS degree.” Lots of causal interaction allows college students to interact and learn without getting involved emotionally or physically.

But going to college is scary and expensive. Particularly for large homeschool families. The culture in most colleges does not value purity which also poses a challenge. What do you do for those who are unable or unwilling to go to college?

Homeschool Interaction

Homeschool students have many social events in high school but romance is generally discouraged at these events. Often it is forbidden in highschool altogether.  Once homeschool graduates get social permission to interact they loose their primary channels for interaction. This challenge is amplified for those who attend small churches.

The lack of interaction has caused many home school guys to marry public school girls they meet at college. The home school girls stay home deep into their 20s not meeting many single men. They wonder where all the godly men are.

One mom wrote a list of all the single home schooled girls in their community between the ages of 21 and 30. “The results were depressing” she admitted “We couldn’t get ourselves to make the list go down to [age] 18.”

Casual Interaction in Courtship

With the distance between so many home schoolers, interacting in a casual manner is difficult. It is hard to drive an hour for a “casual” meeting with a group of home schooled singles. Even harder for a “casual” cup of coffee. The result is:

• Interactions become more intentional (formal dinners, blind dates)
• and thereby more intimidating.
• The more intimidating they get they more they are postponed and avoided.

Less Interaction = Fewer & Later Marriages.

What do you think?

• Do you agree?
• Is there a barrier to interaction in courtship?
• What has caused it?
• How can we help conservative singles interact casually?
• How does your community handle this challenge.

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #1: Identification (13)
• Courtship & Predestination (28)
• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• Courtship Definitions (6)
• 7 Reasons Men Wait to Get Married (7)

Related posts:

1. Courtship Challenge #1: Identification How do you find your future spouse if you rarely...
2. Courtship Definitions Before we continue on this discussion I feel that...
3. Courtship & Predestination Does God predestine my future wife or do I...

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The term comes from the air-force where a pilot will have a wingman fight with him in battle. Wingmen protect each as they accomplish a mission together.  The older term for this concept is “best man.” But now “best man” is primarily a ceremonial role. The ancient term for this same concept is “friend of the bridegroom.”

The role of wingman starts way before the wedding. In fact it can start before the relationship starts. The Wingman assists from the beginning of the relationship through the wedding ceremony.

Lets call the wingman “Walter.”

His single friend is Sam.

Wingmen keep confidences.

Sam needs a sounding board. He may need to work out how he feels about girls by talking through it with a trusted buddy. Yes ladies. Guys do talk about this sort of thing but only to those they trust. Walter listens. He gives honest feedback. Above all he does not betray Sam’s confidence.

Wingmen encourage.

Pursuing a woman is not easy. The path to marriage for men is paved with rejection and pain. A good wing-man encourages his bother to try again even after devastating failures. Sam doesn’t need hollow platitudes. He needs hope, encouragement and prayer.

Wingmen help create opportunities.

As we discuss in other posts, interacting with godly girls in conservative communities is challenging. To overcome these challenges Sam needs Walter’s help to create opportunities to interact with God fearing single ladies. This may mean throwing parties, sending out text messages to invite people to play ultimate Frisbee or going out to eat after church.

Wingmen show up intentionally.

So, Walter throws a party and Sam shows up and sees Sally, who he doesn’t know very well. She’s popular and Sam wants to break through the crowd and talk to Sally but he needs help.

Enter wingman.

Walter, can help by running interference for Sam by engaging the people around Sally in conversation. This helps Sam and Sally talk when they may not have had the opportunity otherwise. If Sam is shy this sort of assistance is particularly helpful.

Shy guys can make faithful husbands.
They just need help at first.

Wingmen ask intentional questions.

So, Sam, Sally and Walter are in a group of people talking at the party.

Remember, Sam wants doesn’t know Sally well and doesn’t want to lead her on unnecessarily.  Sam doesn’t know if he likes her or not but he wants to get to know her better.

Walter can help by asking intentional questions that help Sam get to know Sally better. This is not to say Sam asks no questions. But Walter can ask the potentially awkward questions. When this is done well, Sally is none the wiser.

Wingmen leave intentionally.

Walter, Sam and Sally are now talking just the three of them at the party. This is when it may be a good idea for Walter to disappear. He may excuse himself to get punch and then get caught up in a different conversation and not get back. This gives Sam and Sally a chance to talk alone at the party which they may not have gotten otherwise.

Walter holds  Sam accountable.

As Sam and Sally’s relationship deepens Walter keeps Sam accountable to make sure that Sam is honoring Jesus in their relationship. Is Sam walking in the fear of the Lord? Walter asks Sam tough questions and insists on honest answers.

Wingmen don’t outshine.

It is important for Walter not to outshine Sam. His job is to make Sam look good. If Walter is stealing attention he failing as wingman. John the Baptist is a great example of how to do this well. His job was to prepare the way for the bridegroom Jesus. This meant getting out of the way at the end.

Wingmen hold the rings.

It is the wingman, or best man, who stands next to the groom at the wedding. Where would the groom be without him? Maybe still single. Maybe not. Either way Sam knows he has a true friend in Walter.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

-Jesus

What do you think?

• Should courtship best be done with just the man and the woman’s family? Or is the best man’s role important?
• Do women have a similar system? Or do Maids of Honor just help with hair and logistics?
• Have you ever been a wingman? How did it go?

Related Posts:

• The Little Things Make the Difference (9)
• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• 5 Reasons Single Women Should Leave The Nest (30)
• The Importance of Being Balanced (7)
• Courtship & Predestination (28)

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Does God predestine my future wife or do I need to find her? I don’t struggle with predestination when it comes to salvation because I know to share the Gospel either way. But courtship is different. I need to know if I should be looking or waiting.

Finding a Spouse

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and gains favor from the Lord.”

-King Solomon

I have puzzled over this verse for years. Particularly on the word “find.” Is it a passive “find” like finding a coin on the sidewalk? Or is it an active “find” like finding a coin after searching my house?

I sat down with a Hebrew scholar and we looked up every use of Hebrew word “find” in the Old Testament. The result? The word is used in both ways about half the time each. After we looked up the last verse he closed his Hebrew Lexicon looked at me and said. “The results are inconclusive.”

Drat.

Courtship Calvinists

Some conservatives wait on God to predestine a mate for them. While the Bible talks about God predestining us for good works it makes no mention of God predestining our spouse. We know God is sovereign all knowing and that He cares about every detail of our lives, but is He a micro manager?

If God intended to do all actions himself why would he create us? Are we not His hands and feet? Are his people the tools of his hands or are we just passive observers of His sovereign power? If we are just to watch God do our work for us, it would make sense to stay home and wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right to knock on our door.

The Question

So, how active a part should we play in courtship?

• Traditional western culture says men should do the work of identification and women should wait passively.
• Eastern culture says that both should be passive and wait for their parents to decide.
• Modern western culture tells both the man and woman to be active in pursuing each other.

In the Bible, Esther and Ruth both took an active role in winning the heart of “their man.” Isaac had a traditional arranged marriage. King David and King Jesus both took the active role in winning their wives. By Jesus’ wife I mean the church, His bride.

The results are, again, inconclusive. You could give Jesus’ example extra weight but it is also the most abstract since His bride is the Church.

Action is no Substitute for Faith
Faith is no Excuse for Idleness

The Bible makes it clear that we are to trust God in all things and to obey his voice. We are to walk in faith always but we must also act. Our actions prove our faith. If we do not act we demonstrate that we have no faith.

What do you think?

So how much interaction is healthy? How much is unhealthy? Waiting around doesn’t seem to be working, but should effectiveness be the criteria? Please let me know what you think. Don’t worry if you disagree. You can comment anonymously

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• Courtship Challenge #1: Identification (13)

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Before we continue on this discussion I feel that I need to define some terms. The cross culture dialogue about relationships is a lot like a Lincoln Douglas Value Debate. Each “side” doesn’t understand the other side because we use the same words but attach different definitions to those words. I would like to offer up the following definitions.

Courtship

• Value: Purity
• Criteria: External Control
• Rational: Using a system of external/parental controls  for young people in order to be kept away from sexual and emotional sin.

Christian Dating

• Value: Marriage
• Criterion: Purity
• Rational: Young people should get married by any means possible as long as they maintain their purity along the way.

Casual Dating

• Value: Happiness
• Criterion: Liberty
• Rational: What young people do doesn’t matter as long as it makes them happy in the long run.

Arranged Marriage

• Value: Stability
• Criterion: Parental Choice
• Rational: Love is a choice. You don’t choose your parents or siblings and yet love them. Your spouse is the same way.

Neo Courtship

• The new modified form of courtship advocated by various communities within the homeschool movement.

Classical Courtship

• The form of courtship practiced in the Victorian Era by Christians throughout the United States and England.

What do you think?

Do you think these definitions fit? Am I off the mark here? Before we move along further in this dialogue we need to make sure we can understand each other.

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #1: Identification (13)
• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• Threefold Beauty (10)
• Leaving is Hard to Do (4)
• Does Courtship Work? (7)

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Over the last several months I have talked with dozens of moms about courtship. They have come to me privately and in small groups. They always ask the same question. “Does courtship work? “You tried it.” they ask. “Do you recommend it? How do we make it work for our family” This blog is my answer.

The Goal of Courtship

But wait, before you can determine whether courtship works you have to define its objective. In an abstract sense we all agree the objective is to glorify God. But this is not helpful since this should be our objective for all things. It is also unhelpful since God can receive glory in failure as well as successes. So we need a more measurable goal for courtship.

If the goal of courtship is to get young people into godly marriages then I think that it often fails to achieve this goal. There are exceptions of course. There are girls as beautiful as Helen of Troy and men as brave as King Agamemnon to win their hearts. They find each other and have remarkable courtships that their communities watch and admire.

But most girls don’t look like Helen nor are most men as brave as Agamemnon.

The Result

A commitment to courtship often ends up being a commitment to celibacy. I know more people who are married due to traditional arranged marriages than I do through this new form of courtship the home school community is trying to develop.

The few who make it work are so remarkable that they are talked about far and wide. People over 100 miles away heard about the two home schoolers who were courting in Austin. The courtship was exceptional because it was just that: the exception.

If you wanted to create system that kept young people single but was not so strict that they rebelled against it, how would it be different from modern courtship? If the goal of courtship is to scare guys and girls away from each other, then it succeeds.

In our rejection of casual dating I feel that we have thrown out the baby (marriage) along with the bath water (sexual & relational impurity).

Achieving the Goal

Over the next weeks and months I will be posting about how courtship breaks down in the following areas:

• Identification
• Interaction
• Initiation

We will then examine how other communities guide their singles into marriage. I will cover at least the:

• Chinese Underground Church Model
• Indian Model
• Jewish Model
• Antioch Model
• Just to name a few

Guests will post on this blog. Sometimes with views that disagree with mine. The idea is to start a discussion. I don’t have all the answers but I have a lot of good questions. If you can write a focused post that offers a unique perspective you may just find your voice here.

My goal with these articles is to spur discussion to help us develop a working system for this process we call “courtship.” One reason everyone has a different definition for “courtship” is that we haven’t worked out the kinks yet. We are all still innovating whether we are willing to admit it or not. I hope to spur that innovation onward.

What do you think?

Please let me know what you think. Don’t worry if you disagree. I can take it. You can comment anonymously

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• Courtship Definitions (6)

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