The term comes from the air-force where a pilot will have a wingman fight with him in battle. Wingmen protect each as they accomplish a mission together.  The older term for this concept is “best man.” But now “best man” is primarily a ceremonial role. The ancient term for this same concept is “friend of the bridegroom.”

The role of wingman starts way before the wedding. In fact it can start before the relationship starts. The Wingman assists from the beginning of the relationship through the wedding ceremony.

Lets call the wingman “Walter.”

His single friend is Sam.

Wingmen keep confidences.

Sam needs a sounding board. He may need to work out how he feels about girls by talking through it with a trusted buddy. Yes ladies. Guys do talk about this sort of thing but only to those they trust. Walter listens. He gives honest feedback. Above all he does not betray Sam’s confidence.

Wingmen encourage.

Pursuing a woman is not easy. The path to marriage for men is paved with rejection and pain. A good wing-man encourages his bother to try again even after devastating failures. Sam doesn’t need hollow platitudes. He needs hope, encouragement and prayer.

Wingmen help create opportunities.

As we discuss in other posts, interacting with godly girls in conservative communities is challenging. To overcome these challenges Sam needs Walter’s help to create opportunities to interact with God fearing single ladies. This may mean throwing parties, sending out text messages to invite people to play ultimate Frisbee or going out to eat after church.

Wingmen show up intentionally.

So, Walter throws a party and Sam shows up and sees Sally, who he doesn’t know very well. She’s popular and Sam wants to break through the crowd and talk to Sally but he needs help.

Enter wingman.

Walter, can help by running interference for Sam by engaging the people around Sally in conversation. This helps Sam and Sally talk when they may not have had the opportunity otherwise. If Sam is shy this sort of assistance is particularly helpful.

Shy guys can make faithful husbands.
They just need help at first.

Wingmen ask intentional questions.

So, Sam, Sally and Walter are in a group of people talking at the party.

Remember, Sam wants doesn’t know Sally well and doesn’t want to lead her on unnecessarily.  Sam doesn’t know if he likes her or not but he wants to get to know her better.

Walter can help by asking intentional questions that help Sam get to know Sally better. This is not to say Sam asks no questions. But Walter can ask the potentially awkward questions. When this is done well, Sally is none the wiser.

Wingmen leave intentionally.

Walter, Sam and Sally are now talking just the three of them at the party. This is when it may be a good idea for Walter to disappear. He may excuse himself to get punch and then get caught up in a different conversation and not get back. This gives Sam and Sally a chance to talk alone at the party which they may not have gotten otherwise.

Walter holds  Sam accountable.

As Sam and Sally’s relationship deepens Walter keeps Sam accountable to make sure that Sam is honoring Jesus in their relationship. Is Sam walking in the fear of the Lord? Walter asks Sam tough questions and insists on honest answers.

Wingmen don’t outshine.

It is important for Walter not to outshine Sam. His job is to make Sam look good. If Walter is stealing attention he failing as wingman. John the Baptist is a great example of how to do this well. His job was to prepare the way for the bridegroom Jesus. This meant getting out of the way at the end.

Wingmen hold the rings.

It is the wingman, or best man, who stands next to the groom at the wedding. Where would the groom be without him? Maybe still single. Maybe not. Either way Sam knows he has a true friend in Walter.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

-Jesus

What do you think?

• Should courtship best be done with just the man and the woman’s family? Or is the best man’s role important?
• Do women have a similar system? Or do Maids of Honor just help with hair and logistics?
• Have you ever been a wingman? How did it go?

Related Posts:

• The Little Things Make the Difference (9)
• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• 5 Reasons Single Women Should Leave The Nest (30)
• The Importance of Being Balanced (7)
• Courtship & Predestination (28)

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1. Woman have gifts cultivated best through life outside of the nest.

Many home schooled families expect girls grow into home makers able to tend to the needs of their husbands and children.  I too believe that is a Biblical command and not be be overlooked in the least (Titus 2:4-5).

How many years does it take to learn how to take care of a home?

When I was young, my Mom trained me to clean the house. I folded laundry, washed dishes, cooked, babysat and more.  I am thankful for that training. I am also glad that training period came to an end and that now I have graduated to life on my own.

2. Life outside the home makes you a better home maker.

A husband needs more than a wife to clean, cook, and have babies.  He needs a soul-mate who can problem solve, give input, and express her own thoughts even if they differ with his. I think this is to the husband’s detriment.

Where will the man go when he needs advice if his wife is unable to think for herself? If she has never struggled with a decision or learned from her own mistakes how can she offer wisdom to her husband. Her lack of diverse social interaction can handicap her critical thinking and problem solving skills.

Men need helpmeets for their minds and souls,
Not just for their bodies and homes.

I have noticed a difference in women who leave home before marriage and those who don’t.

The girls who stay home rarely augment their husband’s opinion. They follow his wishes unquestioningly because the only life they know is their parent’s unquestioned authority. Their parents keep them from opportunities to think or make decisions on their own. This can make them indecisive. Indecision is not the mark of maturity.

3. Leaving without flying away

Let me offer a little comfort.  I think it is possible to “leave the nest”  without physically leaving the home.  While the success rate is rare, it is achievable.

I know 20 something girls who still live at home.  However, their parents do not dictate their life once they become adults. Their parents don’t treat them like children just because they haven’t found Mr. Right.  They have careers, friends, social networks, and lives that extend beyond babysitting  younger siblings.  Their parents let them travel on their own, go to college and live life without having to ask permission like a child.

Their parents understand the separation that needs to happen for their daughters to grow up.  These parents take the role of  counselors instead of supervisors. They advise their daughters as they would another adult.

4. Arrows are meant to be shot out.

Children are not the property of their parent’s. Rather they belong to God and their parents are stewards. I can’t begin to stress the importance of this principle.

Parents must ask God what His will is for their children. Is it God’s will for His arrows to stay in the quiver?  I think not.  God has gifted girls with much more than just cooking and cleaning. Parents don’t squander the gifts God has given your daughters.  If don’t give them the freedom to follow Christ on their own then you put them in the difficult position of choosing between your will and God’s will.

This doesn’t mean daughter is not still under her Father’s authority.  But the father must allow his daughter to become an adult if he is to see her thrive. In most cases, I don’t think the desire to leave is motivated by rebellion.  Although it could lead to that if the parents don’t let her feel or know that she is an adult that can make decisions independent of them.

Fear

Fear often motivates parents to keep their daughters at home.

To these timid parents I would ask,

• If you raised your daughter in the way should go, how can she depart from it when she leaves home?
• Do you trust God to take care of your daughter even if she makes different decisions than you would have made?
• Do you trust that God can turn her choices into learning opportunities?
• Is that not how He teaches you?
• How will your daughter learn to follow God if you make all her decisions for her?

5. Immaturity is Unattractive

Men are adventurous and passionate.  They look for a wife to dream big with. They are not looking for a little girl who needs her husband to think for her.

Women need a larger vision so they can support their husband’s calling in life. Not just to let him fulfill his calling alone and come home to a good meal, clean house, and warm bed.

When the honeymoon wears off and the physical home is cared for, what is going to hold the couple together and keep the spark and fun in the marriage?

Ladies,

if you want to attract a man and not a boy
you must to be a woman and not a girl.

What do you think?

• Should we encourage adult single women to move out of their homes?
• Should they stay home under the covering of their parents?
• You single men. Are you looking for a wife who is living at home or a wife who lives on her own?

Related Posts:

• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• The Little Things Make the Difference (9)
• Threefold Beauty (10)
• Leaving is Hard to Do (4)

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Not only is this season preparation for marriage, it’s also a test to see how well you will do when married.

Faithful in the little things

The relationship habits you develop right now are habits you’ll carry into your future relationship. They won’t be erased and reformatted the night before the wedding.

Jesus said “He that is faithful in that which is least, is faithful also in much.” (Luke 16:10) This principle applies to relationships as well as finances, opportunities, etc. How you interact with the people in your life now is an accurate indicator of how you will act in the future.

How do you interact with your parents and siblings? If you can get along with your family, you can get along with anyone. However, God didn’t intend for families to simply cope with each other.

Quick Test

Are you:

• seeking to serve?
• practicing genuine love?
• honoring authority?
• being a “giver” rather than a “taker” in the relationship?

If we’re not practicing these things now, why do we think we can suddenly start doing it when we marry? If we have not been faithful with the lesser relationships we have, how can we ask God to entrust to us a marriage relationship? You attract the quality of person you are, so if you want to attract a high caliber soul-mate, you must yourself be a high caliber person.

From Shepherd to King

Consider the Biblical example of David. He was the youngest in his family and was assigned the job of watching the sheep. His older brothers had great opportunities following the banner of the King, and David had none. From a human perspective, he had no future. However, when God saw that he was ready, David was thrust suddenly onto the national stage, and an odyssey began for him that ended at the throne of Israel itself.

Many young people feel like David, and are tempted to waste the opportunities they have. Resist this temptation.

The reason some never leave the sheepfold is because they don’t learn the lessons of the sheepfold.

The greatest training ground for a successful marriage is the relationships you have right now. If I fail with those relationships, I have no business worrying about the fact that I may not know many potential mates or that I have no prospect of finding someone.

If David had not been faithful defending the sheep how could he have stood before Saul and said he could defeat Goliath? If you can’t keep your room clean how do expect to manage a household?

Faithfulness in the small, insignificant things brings rewards, greater opportunities, and the praise of the Master. “Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.” (Matt. 25:23)

What do you think?

• How do you know when you are ready to get married?
• Do you feel your current relationships are preparing you to get married?

Related Posts:

• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• 5 Reasons Single Women Should Leave The Nest (30)
• The Importance of Being Balanced (7)
• Leaving is Hard to Do (4)

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1. How to Be a Godly Wingman What is a wing-man? The term comes from the air-force...

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